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Sometimes a vulnerable conversation can change everything.
I've done a lot of healing in hermit mode – also known as extended self-isolation for deep reflection, release, and restoration. I've confronted a lot of early conditioning and trauma. I've identified core wounds. I've removed a lot of stuck emotions and shifted a lot of my harmful addictions and patterns. I've done work, I'm proud of that work.
But as I've emerged from this hermit mode lately, I've been a bit protective of my re-entrance into the world. There's nothing I feel the need to protect against more than other humans. In truth, I am in a new era of my life: (re)connection with people. And, with that, challenges I've faced around judgement, unworthiness, wrongness, self-love, grief, rejection, selection... are going to be confronted in new ways. This is new, even though the lessons feel the same.
A recent coffee shop conversation with a new friend gave me some much needed perspective on moving through feelings and cycles.
She shared a story, that to me was a masterclass in emotional awareness and vulnerable communication. She woke up in a mood one day... as we all do, with no discernible reason why. That morning, she and her boyfriend went to the rock climbing gym together. As he went off and started his ascent, she found herself chasing him on the wall. Most days, they didn't stay together at the gym, they did their own thing. But, this morning she found herself frustrated that she was chasing after him and that he was moving away each time she got close. The frustration mounted.
Personal Side Note: I have been here in my own way. Now, it's been about a decade since I have been in a relationship, and I have grown a lot. But, I remember how I would wake up with this overwhelming needy feeling – a feeling we women are conditioned to believe is one of the mortal sins of relationships. And, I definitely internalized that conditioning... neediness is a self-problem to self-solve internally.
Logically, she knew he had no idea she was feeling that way, she hadn't communicated anything about how she was feeling. She recognized she didn’t have a reason to be mad at him, but she was mad... and frustrated... and, maybe beneath that, a bit insecure. As they parted ways that morning, she was rather curt towards him. She went off to teach yoga and worked some of those feelings out... physically.
A Second Personal Aside: Here's where our paths would have diverged. In the past, I would have given into an internal battle to self-manage my emotions and continued to be passive aggressive with my significant other. My ego would have created a very convincing story to justify my emotions, in being mad at my partner, and I would have felt self-righteous in basking in that. Suffice to say, my bad mood would have won and my partner would have felt it. Often times, we try to gaslit ourselves into justifying every single thing we feel. But not all feelings have a rationale. And, the moment we try to attach a story to it that has us feeling like a victor or victim or villain, we have lost the battle to our ego.
This goddess took a different approach.
When she got home, she shared all it with him: her feelings, how she was mad that he was abandoning her at them gym, how she recognized that it wasn't logical or communicated to him, she acknowledged that she was curt to him in response to those feelings, and let him know that she was still feeling mad. No fight or further resolution was needed from the conversation, her awareness and communication and vulnerability was the resolution. There was no judgement of her feelings, by herself or him... and she let them pass. So, they did.
It struck me that I may... from time to time... hold on to emotions for far too long. I have the tendency to want to grab them and examine them from every discernible angle... or avoid them entirely when I feel like I don't have the energy for that examination. At some point, we all hit the wall where we get tired of feeling bad, and in those times, it’s easy to get trapped in our feelings. They compound on us like sand filling a hole.
Recently, I have been grasping tight to every emotion that entered my space. I dive into them expecting some deeper insight or lesson to be revealed... but, at least for now, the same revelations seem to skim to the surface, all related to the same wounds: self-worth, self-love, and sense of safety.
Doing too much is a trauma response that I am oh-so familiar with. It's an attempt to grasp for control. It's trying to keep our little hearts safe from the pain of making mistakes or taking healthy risks. In truth, I have already learned that my response to my emotions can be much simpler. So, much for me is solved by a walk outside, a few deep breaths, journaling, and sitting in meditation on the sea wall.
So, with that, I have spent the last couple of weeks returning to the simple things. A simplified approach to staying connected to my emotions without avoiding or obsessing on them. The key for me is awareness and moving through without letting my ego attach a story that casts me as any character but human.
In stories, villains are always in the wrong. Valors – or heroes – are always in the right. And, victims are always the only ones hurt. But, the truth is, life is much messier than one dimensional characters. We're all human, and being human can be tough.
Life is all about plurality. My lessons over the last few years have softened me and taught me to give grace for growth and have respect for the different journeys we're on. And, sometimes, I need a reminder to give myself grace too.
If I can diverge further for just a moment, I would say that's the most important lesson I've found in this (re)connection season is to surround yourself people that give you grace in your best and worst times – accountability and truth always –but also grace.
You have a choice when you curate your inner circle about the kind of people you surround yourself with, the voices that will be present in your day-to-day. My advice: make it a sanctuary, a playground, and a coffee shop full of people that are direct, open, fun, and free from blaming and shaming you, especially for your feelings.
This conversation re-centered me on the work of expressing emotions in relationships, not just self-isolation. She offered me the demonstration that sometimes communicating your emotions is enough. And, she reminded me that sometimes our emotions don't have a story to share, and sometimes, the story we create is a coping mechanism more than the truth we treat it as.
Most importantly, maybe without realizing it, she showed me that we all deserve a safe place, with grace, to share how we're feeling, what we're experiencing, and to grow.