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Conversations with Self is a series of deep introspection and conversations internally within meditative states. Some people call it Spirit, some call it our higher self, others call it our inner voice or conscience... this is my connection to it.
This one is about fear, purpose, reincarnation, and finding courage to just be.
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I'm scared.
Of course you are, says that quiet loving voice within. Name all your fears. Reclaim the power you gave to them long ago.
Do we have a life’s purpose?
You have many.
What if I fail at every one, what if I fail at everything and end up doing nothing of importance with my life?
So what if you do?
Then I … repeat this again until I succeed?
Until you learn the lessons your soul wants to learn. To become and unbecome.
I don’t know if I can do this again.
You can. You have done it many times.
I let down people if I don’t fulfill it…
You will fulfill it, when does not matter, how does not matter, where does not matter. It is not all resting on you. Lighten up and enjoy what you can enjoy – trusting that everything you need will find you and you will know. Trust your knowing. Now is not a time of knowing. Now is a time to build a foundation of trust with yourself and the divine so that you may act when the time comes to act.
When you let go of everything and become unattached, how do you build a foundation and pursue a purpose?
Your un-attachment is to the 'how.' How things unfold, how it looks, the outcomes, the timing. Your foundation is everything. It grounds you in your intention so you can align with your purpose. You will only find your purpose by walking into it, aligning with it, meeting it. You cannot think or plan or devise or formulate your way into it. It is not a test of faith, it is a life of faith that allows you to live freely with hope and trust in the divine and yourself. Co-creation: you align to your vision and the path appears stone by stone.
I feel sad a lot.
There is much to grieve.
I want to be happy.
Be happy.
The sadness is in the way.
Grieve.
I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired.
Rest.
Breathe.
Heal your body.
Quiet your mind.
Give love to your heart.
So I am not failing?
You are not failing. You are moving slowly because you are not letting go. Things are weighing you down and you must face them. They are too much to carry where you are going.
Will you tell me what they are?
You already know what they are.
Where do you need trust? Where do you hold skepticism? What triggers your instincts to protect yourself? What causes you to betray yourself or self-isolate? What dreams lack hope? What feels heavy?
Other people’s judgement. Feeling judged. Other people’s anger or… affection.
You want them ambivalent of you?
No, admire from afar.
You want distance from them?
Yes.
Why?
Because that is safe. They can’t hurt me emotionally or physically or spiritually if they are not close enough to do so.
Is that why you hide your true self? You are protecting it?
Yes.
Do you feel protected?
No.
Why?
Maybe protected but also lonely… and unknown, unseen.
You want to be seen how you want to be seen?
Yes.
You want to control how you are seen?
Yes.
Can you control other people?
No.
So, then you cannot control how they see you.
You can live the purest life – as adjacent to perfect as your mind can conceptualize – and still be hated. It hurts. But the cost of dishonoring yourself hurts more.
You are safe and you are protected in ways that you cannot see. You are seen and loved in those spaces, for who you are. Not for what you do. You are helped and cheered and held. You are loved.
Can you accept that love?
Yes. But it hurts.
Why?
Because I feel unworthy?
Why?
Because I’m not doing anything to deserve it. And, I have done things to be undeserving of it.
Love is not conditional. It is not earned. You have done kind and unkind things. You have learned through error. You hurt when you hurt others. You hurt yourself. We do not want you to hurt and suffer. We want you to love yourself as much as we love you.
How? How do I love myself?
Embrace yourself.
You cannot escape pain in life. So look what it offers you. You cannot escape failure or hurting people or yourself. What does it offer you?
Chances to learn.
And what is your purpose?
To learn.
So each moment, you are - without effort - living your purpose?
Yes...
I suppose.
Your mind cannot comprehend all that souls experience. You are not behind or without. You are simply learning all the lessons.
Sit with them so you may embody them, know them and allow the becoming and unbecoming.
Release others’ judgements and your desire to control them.
Release your fear to connect. Allow yourself to connect with people, to be seen, and to be rejected – as your true self.
Release your fear to hurt people and make mistakes. Forgive those who hurt you. And, hold yourself accountable as you grow.
Release your fear to be crucified for your mistakes.
Your fears were taught, they can be unlearned.
You feel your purpose aligns with your perfect self. It does not. The imperfection is necessary for the lesson.
The heaviness and seriousness and sadness you feel in the pressure to know yourself and to heal in a perfect way... just be a means you want to show up as perfect in this world. You cannot connect to purpose through force.
The foundation of your pursuits matter. Your intention matters. Are your actions an attempt to prevent letting others down? Or are they a pursuit of what makes you feel alive? Are they an expression of your fear or your truest yourself?
How do you see yourself?
I am brave.
Yes, you are.
I am kind.
Yes, you are.
I am strong.
Yes, you are.
I am smart.
Yes, you are.
I am willing.
Yes, you are.
I am gifted.
Yes, you are.
I am clever.
Yes, you are.
What do you need for your love to shine through more?
Openness. Joy and playfulness. Mirth. Hope. Faith.
Feed those.
Until you trust. They are also who you are. In this moment. Even if you cannot see it. It is true.
Gratitude and trust. Two keys you have long had, use them more often.
Thank you.
I love you.
I love all of you.
I am grateful for you.
And, I for you.